Women, Money, Miss Daphne and My Big Why

A long time ago, someone told me the end of the year is when some of our loved ones make their exits. They phrased it in a more esoteric and spiritually-sensible way but basically now every December, the season of holiday cheer, I brace myself for grief.

It has been one year since my mother-in-law, Daphne, died of Covid.

If you've been in my world, you'll know I've written and spoken about Miss Daphne a lot. She's been an important influence in my life. She's proof that our legacies live on long after our bodies depart, in the lives we've touched.

Daphne -- Mom, to most of us -- was a bright light and a spark of joy in so many people's lives.

I lived in Trinidad twice and both times my life revolved around her.

The first time, in 2012, I had a new baby and I walked down the hill with him in the pram every morning to have breakfast with her. I heard all her stories. I knew exactly how to fix her coffee, I knew how to make her laugh, I knew how to make her (quietly) mad, I knew who in the village and family she didn't like and why (I'll never tell), and I knew what shaped her. I knew the hard decisions she had to make and the responsibilities she had to assume because men in her life refused them.

The second time, in 2017, finally, a man in her life did not abandon his responsibilities. Instead, her son -- my partner -- embraced a sacred task. He became her caregiver as she grappled with Alzheimer's and going blind.

The beauty and the pain of her life has become the driving force in my own life and work.

Miss Daphne is a huge part of my 'Big Why'.

****
A few years ago, I was doing research on feminists and money, and I found this 30+ year old article about Gloria Steinem’s precarious financial situation.

Aafter decades of activism, service, culture-making and publishing, feminist icon Gloria Steinem had no money saved for retirement or emergencies. None.

Across her life, she’d taken care of people and causes she cared about, which meant her money disappeared as fast as she made it.

When I read that, I felt sick. I recognize this dilemma.

Nearly every woman I know lives in exactly this place.

*****

My mother-in-law, Daphne, lived in this place.

Mom had no savings, no income, and no assets because she spent her life in uncompensated service to her family.

She was in physical jeopardy NOT because of bad choices -- which is what the Dave Ramseys of the world want us to believe -- but because of virtue, love, caregiving and GENDER.

She spent her life caring for raising children and grandchildren, nursing her parents, and then, in her time of need, her closest family --including people who lived with her, rent-free, in her house -- did not take care of her.

Things came to a crisis. Her family caregiver had a medical incident and was himself incapacitated. My husband went to Trinidad for two weeks to try and sort it out. When he got there, he discovered her living situation was far worse than we knew. In addition to having Alzheimer's, Daphne was malnourished, had bedsores, and had gone blind because her caregiver wasn't giving her the glaucoma medicine she needed.

He called me and said, Baby, I can't leave her like this.

The only way we could see to solve the problem meant that my partner had to quit his job and stay in Trinidad so that he could take care of her. That was late 2016. In early 2017, I sold our house, packed up the kids, and joined him there.

We had a 1 year-old and a gaggle of older kids. At 6pm, when the kids needed dinner and I was still on the phone with clients, Daphne would start sun-downing. She'd get agitated and scared and start banging the walls and shouting and trying to leave the house. Meanwhile, kids with growling tummies are getting stressed and scared...It was a terrible time.

AND. We got Mom out of a bad situation.

During the day, she was sunshine-y and delightful. My partner got to spend time with his mom, which was huge -- they'd been separated by oceans and borders and countries for 15 years. Our little ones got to know Trinidad and their grandma. They rallied 'round her to love her up and soak up her love.

AND. The only reason any of that was possible was because of my business.

In 2017, I had my first (barely) six-figure year -- double what I'd EVER earned before in my life.

That was the reason my partner could quit his job and take on the caregiver role.

That was the reason we could get Mom to safety.

That's why Mom was a huge part of My Big Why.

Because this should never have happened to her.

And because this happens every single day to way too many women in our world.

******
It is essential that women and marginalized peoples – the identities marked in our culture to be the uncompensated or wildly under-compensated labourers propping up our economies and families – accumulate savings, net worth, and wealth. Essential.

Because the social safety net is in tatters and no guarantee and neither, frankly, is love. You can love people all you want and take care of them and there is no guarantee that they will love you back if you’re diagnosed with cancer and can’t work or get Alzheimer’s and need 24/7 care.

This is not just about retirement, our elder years, surviving illnesses and emergencies and being deserving or in need. We don’t have to demonstrate overwhelming to need to deserve to have money and resources.

This notion of deserving is a value that supports patriarchy and white supremacy. I believe we’ve internalized the cultural assumption that because we are not straight white men, we’re defective – which means we’ve got to compensate for that defect with becoming The Perfect Woman and with our endless labour. We earn and deserve resources only if we’ve met that criterion.

No.

Let’s assume that every human on this earth is deserving of a flourishing, abundant life and livelihood and a positive net worth. That’s our foundational notion.

When it comes to money, earning, wealth and net worth, let’s take ‘deserving’ and ‘worth it’ out of the equation.

Taking deserving out of it will remove the ability to question whether poor people are getting what they deserve (and the subconscious assumption, in our wealth-revering culture, that yes they deserve to be poor).

It will also remove the conclusion that no one person deserves “that much” — which perhaps might be harder to swallow.


*****
Now let’s come back to Gloria Steinem.

Shortly after 50 and a cancer scare, she realized she could easily slip into desperate times.

All the money she'd made in her career, she'd given away to the causes and people she cared about and thought needed it more than she did.

After 15 years of working on a magazine that regularly admonishes women to plan for their later years, Steinem abruptly realized that “I hadn’t saved anything, so that if I were ill, or aging, or whatever, I wouldn’t be able to last for more than a month or two.”

More succinctly, Pogrebin said, “She is 53 years old and she has put away no money, and she is being silly about her life.”

To resolve this looming crisis, she and Letty Pogrebin decided to secure her a significant book deal so that she’d have a retirement fund.

And because she’s Gloria Steinem and her name and fame will move a lot of copies, publishers went into a three-day bidding war for her two books.

She ended up with a $1.2 million dollar advance.

Yes!!

I thrill. I cheer.

At no point did I ask myself does Gloria Steinem deserve $1.2 million dollars?

Maybe it’s because I love her and she’s given me a life of service and I want her to have a million bucks.

Maybe it’s because I know that if two publishers are willing to pony up that kind of advance, they’ll be making way more off of it in sales, so the value is more than established.

Maybe because it’s only going to cost me $25 per book so it’s no skin off my nose.

It’s probably all of those things.

And those things — the notion of deserving and the asymmetry between what I’ve received (a lot) and what I’m willing to contribute (little) — are a problem.

If I’m only willing to allow Gloria Steinem, the feminist culture-maker who changed my life, a positive net worth if I don’t have to contribute very much…

If I’m only willing compensate Gloria Steinem $50 for everything she’s given me across my life…

I may want to check myself for both internalized patriarchy – there’s perhaps something ingrained inside of me that says she’s supposed to labour uncompensated for her entire life to advance our collective well-being — and personal entitlement.

I digress.

But not really.

This plays out on a daily basis in my virtual world. I see black women and women of colour and queer folks and disabled folks (and, and, and) labouring uncompensated in comment threads and FB groups in order to change our culture.

So I was thrilled when I read that Soraya Chemaly got a “significant” book deal for Rage Becomes Her.

Significant is publishing code for “she got a huge advance AND the publisher will be investing in public relations and setting up a serious book launch” (they only do that for a handful of books on their roster). That, in turn, means she’ll sell more books and hopefully break through into our mainstream cultural consciousness. And YES PLEASE.

• I am happy that Laura Roeder launched Meet Edgar (I recommend it all the time for scheduling social media!) and has since turned it into a thriving, 60-person company. (She's now gone on to launch a second brilliant company, Paperbell)

• It rocked my world when Ijeoma Oluo showed us a screen shot of the cover of her first book.

• I have loved seeing Lindy West fill rooms on her book tour and secure national columns and op-eds in prestigious publications.

• When Suzanne Siemens and Madeleine Shaw of Aisle (formerly Luna Pads) in Vancouver described surpassing the million dollar mark in their company; getting a round of investment that allowed them to expand their inclusive workforce to 13 people; and securing placements in big-box stores, I was elated.

• I felt personally rewarded when Bethenny Frankel finally made a gazillion dollars off SkinnyGirl – even though I hate the fat phobic premis and cultural mandate of SkinnyGirl. Still, I watch RHONY and after years of rooting for her and seeing incremental growth, witnessing her success and payoff felt like I won too. (This dissipated, instantly, when she told a room full of black women entrepreneurs to hide their identities in their business and let a white male employee be the face of their companies.)

• I have watched with awe and delight as Kimberly Foster grew For Harriet into a balm and a beacon, built a national community, and secured a book deal.

• I am off-the-charts excited that Oprah has the clout and resources to found a magazine and a cable network. I am grateful that in 2007, for the first time in her career, she publicly endorsed a presidential candidate: Barack Obama. It made a difference in the election. I love that she started a book club and launched the careers and seeded, with her reach, the financial abundance of hundreds of authors. I do not love the Weight Watchers deal and, like so many other people I otherwise admire, I wish she’d get her fatphobia sorted. I do, however, love that she’s producing Queen Sugar and financially underwriting Ava DuVernay’s culture-making contributions to our world.

• Shonda Rhimes gazillion dollar deal with Netflix practically gave me an orgasm.

Now, admittedly, there’s still a piece of me saying, “I appreciate their work and their contribution so they’re deserving”. (Personally and politically, I want to unlearn and quiet that voice so I’m just noticing and observing it right now.)

But at no point have I ever thought that any of these women made too much money or could make too much money.

When Gloria Steinem got $1.2 million advance, I didn’t think “well that was too much”.

I thought YES, now we’re getting somewhere.

******

The more wealth and clout these culture-makers consolidate, the more likely they are to be able to sustain themselves. The more likely they are to be able to take on even more ambitious, culture-making projects. The more likely they are to be able to reach more people. The more likely they are to be able to invest in more projects, hire more people, cultivate more careers and talents. The more change they can create.

I am invested in their rise. Their rise benefits me, too.

And here’s the thing: none of them could have done that without us.

Shonda Rhimes doesn’t own the airwaves unless we're watching her shows. And if we’re not watching, there’s no Netflix deal. If there’s no Netflix deal, there are fewer queer characters and people of colour on mainstream and prestige TV.  And without these characters living their lives as people in their own rights, rather than as sidekicks and foils to the white male lead, the norms of our socially segregrated culture stay firmly in place.

I’m not saying the shows of Shonda Rhimes, in and of themselves, will end structural racism and patriarchy. But they are contributing to the cause we’re all working on, together.

What I'm saying is that we can only create safety for each other when we are materially sustained and when we keep those resources in circulation.

You can only donate your cash to the cause if you’ve got it. You can only amplify the voices of others if people are already accustomed to hearing yours. You can only found a magazine if you’ve got some combination of clout, capital and community. You cannot buy a TV network or get a massive TV deal on pure intentions. You’ve got to have resources, reach and leverage.

You should not have to retire on an empty bank account.

You should not have to survive a family emergency or a life-altering illness without resources or emerge from it with hundreds of thousands of dollars of medical debt.

Mom should not have had to cope with life-threatening neglect after a lifetime of providing life-giving care.

And at the exact moment when some people online were saying I had too much privilege and was making too much money was the exact moment my business cleared six figures and I could be there, financially, for Mom, my partner, and my kids.

********

Even so, I was still radically under-charging and doing a bananas amount of pro-bono work, which meant I worked 7 days a week to financially provide for all of us while my partner took care of his mom and our babies.

It was was gruelling. I cried every day.

Six figures and online business success was not at all what the Female Lifestyle Empowerment Brands advertised it would be. There were no flowing maxi dresses and Louis Vuitton handbags. There were payments to respite workers, meetings with lawyers, online bullshit, and medical debt.

I digress.

Let’s come back, again, to Gloria Steinem. Her fame and influence was an unmonetized asset. When she realized she could be in serious jeopardy in her elder years, she had something she could turn into cash. A lot of cash. And she did. And I’m thrilled. I hope she made even more on the books that came afterwards.

My mother-in-law, however, like most marginalized folks, does not have fame or influence that she can monetize.

Most of us do not have fame or influence we can monetize at the last minute to save ourselves.

So we’ve got to get our hands on the money — more than we need, right now — every week and every month.

We’ve got to increase our incomes and cash flows beyond our break-even points, and invest it in personal assets and in our community.

A lot of women I know have huge overheads – energetic and financial — because we’re supporting not only ourselves, but also our children, our elders, extended family, community and causes.

So when I see a woman making bank, I’m not ever going to impose a limit to what she ought to make. There’s no such thing as too much.

ESPECIALLY if the radical excess means she can buy a television network.

Or get a massive deal to produce shows that change our culture (TV is a culture-maker).

What I believe we should pay attention to, however, is how those profits are generated. Are the labour practices within her business just? What is her social impact?

*******

I’ve seen a Female Lifestyle Empowerment Brand, for example, trumpet her $1.2 million dollar launch and teach us in a free call how to do what she did.

Here’s what she did: gathered a dozen or so copywriters, social media experts, photographers and graphic designers and hired them as unpaid interns. They developed her program and marketing materials.  She didn’t have to pay the up-front start-up labour costs and she pocketed all the profit.

This bootstrapping strategy — using the bootstraps of others —  may have been a result of not having access to capital. That gets shaped up systemically and needs to be acknowledged. Even so, her profit, as an empowerer-of-women, was made off the uncompensated labour of other women.

If she’d said, in that free call, “and then I paid out $X in delayed salaries and equity on the backend to my interns who developed the program,” she’d be navigating the systemic limits imposed on her and creating profit without downloading the costs to less privileged women.

Maybe she did that. She didn’t say she did. Instead, she advised other women entrepreneurs to hire uncompensated interns to develop programs and launches in order to create million dollar profits for themselves.

I don’t have any problem with her making a million bucks. I have a problem with how she’s making it, her social impact,  and how she’s teaching us to make it.

*************
All of that is what I mean when I say that Mom -- Ms Daphne Rostant -- is part of my Big Why.

The most vulnerable amongst us are single women, single women with children and single elderly women. No one in this world has their back and our social safety nets are so small and provisional that they will not catch us.

And even though I'm now a high-income-earner, what happened to my mother-in-law could happen to me. I am one car accident or diagnosis away from financial ruin and decades of impoverishment and so is my family.

Mom is why I'm changing my own business model to create more security for myself and she's why I teach feminist business in the first place: because I want women and caregivers to STOP being exploited and harmed by a system and even our own family members.

I want us protected and cared-for. I insist that we get the financial resources we need to be safe(r) in a culture of endangerment. It's urgently important to me that culture makers to have the resources we need to thrive, personally and collectively.

It is an act of personal power and a counter-cultural move to preserve ourselves as financially independent women.

Flourishing is feminist.

As long as we make sure the methods by which we’re generating net worth are just and generative, we take nothing away from anyone by having revenue, money in the bank, and assets.

In fact, we become assets and resources ourselves.

Every community developer knows that to improve conditions, you ensure women have education and money.

Non-profits and even governments – even my own Canada – who offer direct transfers to families deliberately choose to deliver those monies to women, because women use those resources on behalf of their families and children.

Imagine if women and queer folks and disabled folks and people of colour, as a collective, had abundant resources and finances. Imagine what we could do for ourselves and each other.

I believe one of the pillars of our just future is creating the skills and capacities and social conditions and policies we need  to ensure our own financial sustainability and abundance. We cannot share or invest what we do not have.

So let’s get them. And let’s gather.

The more resources we have, personally and collectively, the more we can leverage them to create change.

So let us not impose the limits of ‘deserving’ or ‘too much’ on the ability of our colleagues and culture-makers and fellow travelers to access and generate resources, wealth and influence.

Instead, let’s hold them accountable for how they generate it and their social impact.

Their success and impact is our success and impact. It doesn’t exist without us.

There’s no Oprah Show if we’re not watching it.

There’s no Shondaland without us.

There’s no Ms Magazine if we don’t read it.

I am so glad Gloria had her friend and collaborator to push her to seek a seven figure book deal and steward the deal.

I am so glad I was able to contribute to helping Mom's last years more comfortable.

And I want to have the cash to help underwrite the dreams and wellbeing of culture makers.

Including my own.

So as we exit 2022 and enter 2023, as we witness the ends and beginnings of our loved ones lives, let's vow to do that for each other. Let's encourage each other to drop the money guilt, grow our assets, teach each other what we know about making money, and keep our cash in circulation in our communities.

Let's stop making caregiving a financial risk in women's lives and instead leverage our care for each other to create the financial resources we need to thrive.

It's do-able.

So let's get together and do it.